How do you do it?

I've been married for 15 years. Lately I've been asked by friends, married and divorced alike, how do you do it? It's a very difficult thing to answer. The best way I can describe it is it's like asking a really good cook: what's your recipe? But all they can say is they just keep throwing things in the pot, a little at a time, a handful at a time, and constantly tasting to see if it worked.

So I've been thinking about what has made our marriage work. I thought about combining what I thought both of us would say, and I decided against it. I only know what makes this relationship work for me. If you want his side of it, you'll have to find his blog. (Something like LMNO...PR or something, if he'll write a complimentary article. Who knows?)

But I think, for K and I, one of the biggest things that works for our 15 year marriage is a shared faith. We both believe in God, America, and family. We have some differences of opinion in these areas, but on the big issues anyway, we share the same ideals. We started praying together before we got married. We weren't very good at it, and still we stumble. We feel like we should pray more, but often we don't. We share a belief that marriage is a sacred union between a man, a woman and God. That's all it should be, and, for me, it's an identity to be proud of. I think because we acknowledge with this idea, that we're not in control. God is. For us, our relationship is awe-inspiring because we don't feel like we put it together - God did. The timing, the way we just "fit," and why we make it when other great people really struggle is just beyond our comprehension. We are grateful to each other for our couplehood, but so much more grateful to God for letting us have this...gift.

Along with my marriage ideals I should point out, I personally respect civil unions, long term relationships, and other joint/life partnerships, but if you don't have the one-man, one-woman, and God pieces, I don't think it should be called a "marriage." It's just not. It might be good in every way, but it's something different than what I have for historical and spiritual reasons. Being able to call what I have a "marriage" makes it something sacred, something I want to protect, and something I hope other people will honor and respect because they know the definition too. I think how each of us defines marriage is a big deal. K and I still talk about expectations of each other in our marriage (Well, I ask him to talk about it, and he does because he respects me.) Being able to talk about what defines "us" gives us a reason to continue and gives us a check-up on each other and how it's going. Every team must have something that defines and identifies them. K and my definition of marriage has been a work in-progress, but something we have in-common since the start.

The next thing that helps keep us friends in our marriage is finding things that we both like to do together and DOING them together. We both like food some foods, so we eat them together. It's our thing. We both like watching movies, so we try to watch movies together. We both like going to Outdoor shows, so we go. We tell the same silly stories from our past together because it makes those warm feelings come back, (We tease about the bad stories too, but we don't haunt each other with the big mistakes. It can really hurt to be reminded about short-comings.) I think our favorite thing to do together is dreaming together. We might never do some of the things we dream about, but it gives us a mental picture of our life together later on. Sometimes we talk about going on a rollercoasters vacation - just the two of us, sometimes we talk about selling everything and jumping in an RV after the kids have grown and traveling the US. Sometimes our dreams don't match, like I'd like to live in an urban loft that's close enough to walk to work or restaurants or entertainment. K would like a shack in ND that he could live in during the warm months of his retirement and hunt. Well, we have to compromise on some of those... but it keeps us in-tune with each other's hopes and dreams. I feel supported when I take a risk to share my silly ideas, and I feel good supporting K in his. It's never perfect, but in a marriage, we have to be ok with that. Life's not perfect, why should we expect marriage to be? It sometimes takes a little work to figure out what we like to do together. Sometimes one or the other of us is feeling like going out, and the other one wants to stay in. We compromise and try to stay positive. It's not always easy and sometimes the fun-hater ruins it for the go-getter. Then we re-evaluate next time.

So when we don't click and re-evaluating gets hard, then what? Well, that's not easy. First we have to be patient and try to ride out the storm. We have to allow each other bad days, even bad seasons, but then if it becomes too much, somebody's gotta have the guts to say something. That courageous soul has to say it directly to the other person in the most kind way possible. And if a fight comes up, both people have to agree on "fight rules." Some of our fight rules have consisted of 1) No name calling. 2) No accusations using "ultimatum" words like, "You always..." or "You never..." because it's a pretty rare occurence if someone ALWAYS or NEVER does or doesn't do ANYTHING. Instead saying, "I feel like you don't..." or some other "I feel..." sort of statement shows ownership of the opinion. 3) No silent treatment. "Rest and revisit" is ok, but dropping a conversation (like hanging up on a spouse on the phone) or trying to punish someone by not talking to them is not putting the relationship and the issue at-hand first. Good communication is key. 4) Avoiding sarcasm is important. Sarcasm can be mean-spirited and misinterpreted. 5) Never say the "d" word. (Divorce) We've agreed on this from the very beginning. We actually talked about it right away. When we got married we said we'd never say it as an option, so it never has been. Things come up in fights, and emotion can run amuck, so talking about the "rules of engagement" in a somewhat peaceful time sets up a good mindset for the more difficult times. We both read about what healthy communication was at one point because we didn't know what it should be. That helped, but "no 'd' word" was one point we agreed upon pretty nonchalantly even before that. It has been one thing that has made our marriage easier. We have to take care of each other because we're stuck with each other FOREVER, but we also care for each other because we know there's one other person who's on our team - no matter what.

There have been a lot of other "little things" that could have led to big problems in our marriage, but we were just so busy, we didn't stop our lives long enough to let them be.We want the marriage to work, so we aren't looking for the bad stuff. Reasonable distraction and allowing each other healthy space keeps our marriage sane too. It's not all peaches and cream, but it is fun for us most of the time because we work at it - separately and together - and we share common tastes, which stirs back to that cooking metaphor. I don't know how we do all of what we do. I really do love K. He loves me. We try to balance, re-evaluate, and communicate because we share a common goal. I've had great examples in our families, and some great friends and neighbors who were/are married "until death do us part". It seems simple for us, but, then again, I'm glad we don't understand all of what makes our marriage work yet, because, God willing, I have a lot more time to figure it out.

What rings true in what I said? Anything that makes your marriage or other relationship work? Leave a comment...